Speaking Mute - 001 - "Shades of Love"

 

This is a new Weekly Blog Post where I talk about topics which I came across in my Life or have heard. The 'Speaking Mute' is an Oxymoronic way of saying what thoughts are and I'm looking forward to this series.

Personally, for me, I had my rejection in March by a person in whom I deeply rooted. My Pain maybe was high due to the reason that I was not able to say to that person that I loved her. As a normal person, I was quite frustrated and slapped myself. I still remember the day till now. She was proposed by my Friend, and both got together even before I could confess my love. A teenage Boy with lot of insecurities got out of his comfort zone to fall for a person who had just left him in the middle of nowhere. Yes, People that's what love is. I have no idea how to move on from there. Constant remembrance and Those thoughts! Human self with just a quiet obsession.

I believe in the Arabian literature and 7 Shades of Love. First finding yourself Attracted then having Infatuation. Following it Love then gaining Trust or Revenge then Worship them. Following this, all lead to Madness and Death. And this is how every Love progresses. 

When I started to talk because of Attraction then started to have me Infatuated. Normally then this leads to Love. But before I confess mine it got ended. Does that mean my Love is not true and it is just another Infatuation? No, I had this habit of writing Poems about that person without her knowledge. She would sometime read and compliment it. I asked out and all she was able to do was trust me and come. My Poems are worship to that person and Those Trust are shades. But those next two shades (Madness and Death) were yet to come where Love shade is fading. 

After hearing the information my first reaction was to cry. Yeah, I cried straight 3 hrs and tears ran out. Songs were like no interest and Series and movies were just going like anything, for a moment it just felt like I was dead being alive. The Madness got over and I started to punch my walls. I usually don't dance but started to on the Death procession Drums of the Tamil community. The Madness that got over me constantly disturbed her. Just One day where I say my interest. That day was the saddest of all. I just need to think about what her answer will be where yes was also hope. What madness I had to make me believe she would say Yes to my confession even though she was with another. Poor soul.

Being silent and overthinking about your feelings makes you to open it one day and the madness gets loose. 

Madness is like those endless infinite ripples in water which disturb and disturb and disturb along. I had a bad habit then She said nothing and moved on and what a poor soul like me would do is just cry sometime, see her photo with her Lover/boyfriend and just punch walls. I used to think of all possibilities so our love last but all it took was a few days to get destroyed. I used to hear my 'Remember' Playlist on my Spotify (Which I will leave the link in the end), and other Love failure Songs just to cry so that I will move on. You had a lot to say to someone and they just turn to be a person who leaves you in the void and leave, I guess the worst feeling can't be explained. 

After this, I changed myself. I would say my older self-died, so this crossed all 7 shades to get here again to start a new one. But after that, I had a few questions to be answered.

When someone is closer as a lover, he/she can't be a friend. Same when someone is a friend, he/she can't be a Lover - Heisenberg inside me

1.    Why is it that always a Man / Boy needs to confess the Love?

2.    Why is that always that a woman doesn't move pieces and make a relationship?

3.    What does Interest on a Boy mean to Girls?

4.    Is being Nice and Goodwill wrong?

I have read many tales and watched movies but found only a small number of movies where women confess their feelings. Why does love doesn't affect you; Do those Shades belong only to the Men and Boys while girls are different? Where does the difference comes in Love? Is that your Ego or my Difference with you? Every time a man moves and sorts of things anytime and every time. I'm not saying Girls are wrong and Boys are right but what is the reason? I'm clearly stating now your hints are not able to be seen by our Lazy boys, and understand we have the same amount of uncertainty as you have in a relationship. 

Interest one word that made me speak to my friend for hours and hours. Interest, interest. Attraction to a person's personality is different from Infatuation with their look. But did it ever happen? How we understand ourselves? Just Understand that we have the same uncertainty.

After all these still, I got to smile at those good people and say all it cares even though I had to hate them to my core. Yes, I accept I'm jealous and I'm human too. I'm not Jesus to accept apologies of Judas. But still, I was not able to speak. I was just to see all those in my own eyes when I go out with them. Do I need to stop my happiness for them, or should I be God to accept this? I was Like Gangubai who lost her lover and give to someone and enjoy their Marriage. It is like dancing to a piece of Happy music with the mourning of Death. 

Should all this happen was all I used to think. But time passed and healed the wound and I moved on. But when I read those chats and poems here, I just feel happy and sad at the same time. I have never felt something like that. Should I be waiting for an answer to this or move on? 

Every time I see a sad Anime, Movie, or Series, I find myself crying. I still remember crying for the last 40 minutes of Silent voice. I did what Jesus would have done. I just thought to enjoy and moved on. I felt broken but I found her happy there, so I didn't disturb her. Can something like that would never be regretted by me in my lifetime. Thanks to all those books and movies which made me take this decision. Stories matter, not the ending. Maybe your favourite ending can't be a favourite ending to someone. Hoping that you be a Noble person and leave it.

Remember Playlist - https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3TILDpE9FuciQGhHdXJBTE?si=f7b191041d424f3c

Spotify ID - https://open.spotify.com/user/dvx8kg8ynjnpy68h8r74pigwo?si=1eb385ff02124e91

Credits: Uyire/Dil se (1998) Mani Ratnam, ARR