Chaotic Chaos - Story

It was morning. I had gone to my therapist, who asked me for a test. I just thought it would be good of me to go on time. He asked me to go inside a room. It was a room with peach-coloured paint all over the walls. The floor is just darker, but the same peach. He said it was seen. It's cold inside. He said the door would not open, only after 24 hrs. He warns with his eye, and I just say yes with a blink.

The doctor says, "There is always a better way than this. I just need your cooperation.’

I just said this is best.

I have gone inside just so I can have everything. TV, Phone. I just started to binge my incomplete series and movies to complete them. Then I started lying on the couch there and just watching the TV and mobile scrolling all day just to find something funny.

I just then started to feel bored and started to sleep on the couch, and when I slept, I just felt and forgot that I slept for 5 hrs. Then I just wake up to see that I am hungry.

The doctor said there are snacks, but I will not get a proper lunch and dinner. Who cares? I just used my chip pack for my final semester. I ate a few cookies and wandered around mooching and spilling them down. It's all gotten dirty from my shoes and now these cookies. I got the water first sip just for the sake of hydration. I thought hydration was a myth as I do not drink a lot of water. I am a camel of a human who drinks only two cups for survival. Then slowly, I started watching the series again. Suddenly, it started to move while I was stuck. Suddenly, it did not make any sense. Suddenly, time just stopped. I felt the same at the station. Suddenly, I was alone. Because in a vacuum, even crying does not reach your ears.

I gradually drift on the couch into a state where I simply flow through time. My brain got bored and just started to create a fake scenario of me being interviewed by a famous interviewer. I used to do that in the restroom just to feel a boost while I was pooping.

I just dress up my accomplishments and future interviews as if they were formal, and I go out like that paparazzi person, just talking to myself while explaining what I was doing. I used to keep my girlfriend, who used to laugh at my silly interview jokes. But she was never like that. One person thought I was insane for interviewing myself and talking to myself. While I would say that I also time your dialogue as if you were talking in that interview. She smacked her hand in the head just to see how I was an idiot and lunatic. My friend just said you are expected. But she thought I was a lunatic and left. What a fellow person who was never on his own will do the work has to do here.

I always feel like I do stuff because I am forcing myself into everything. I felt forced to even do things which I usually do for escapism. I was just talking aloud about this stuff and laughed that even things I do for escapism are also forced due to escape. I just laugh while my stress tears roll from my eyes to my mouth and tongue, tasteless.

It's like those tasteless things that life gives. My life was ironic, metaphoric, personification, and tragic.

I just laugh after crying and make a huge scene before I cry. Just like that, I had never got a person who hears my problem. Every time one heard just can. to give a solution. I just always see how wasted and pathetic I am. Just to make sure how pathetic a person a friend who I can roam with is never around me or near me always far away who I cannot meet. While these assholes just get some good friends who visit their home. I envy my acquaintance that they have friends who never really thought what a problem with cash. Just a dollar for them. For me, it was to do. I am always that selfish person to others as I get less pocket money and just must save and even go to a movie.

My parents do not leave me anywhere. I just sit in my room as the living room is so lively as it gets to fight while I avoid them. I just do not want to shout at them. They have no real worries about their work life and their lives and just worry about my studies and my behaviour and just shout at the opening of the room just so that I can hear, and they can pretend I did not hear them. I failed because they needed me to feel ashamed. I did not attend college on time. They wanted me to feel pathetic. I am their child, and they have their money for my education. I want to be in their control. Who am I, am I a car or a bike to be enjoyed by driving alone? I do not even have a chance to be like others. I never lied to them. But, hey, you're always lying to me about the things I asked you to buy. I just get things I get and not what I want.

My ideas are the devil's words. I just so happen to have the time while I have an important thing on my side. I have an exam tomorrow and I have a plot for my next dungeons and dragons game. I just finished my assignment and have another series to binge and tempt myself to watch. The same goes for my guitar, songs, videos, and movies, as well as making something useful out of this burdensome crap.

What am I? What am I here for? What do I need? What is me? Mat is my job. What is the reason I exist?

I talked for straight hours, clicking my tongue and taking long pauses in the middle just to see myself interviewed. I've got a dry throat now. Yes, the camel now needs water and just sits again on the couch, uncomfortable.

I started to lean and take my foot on the couch. And started to just think something. I forget what I was talking about. Yes normal. I forget things. Then I started to feel all those pathetic moments in my life just to feel pathetic and a loser. Yes, just remember how I used to tell lies in front of people just so they do not look me down. Just to be at people's feeling judgment that to in a high place so that they have a good understanding of me. Why I must do that, All I get is just no and lose and why I must just function as if nothing happened?

When I love someone, I will get at least one person who is going to be near me and just hear me and cheer me on and emotionally and physically support me. just my imagination. I never really got any love, even with mutual consent. Just so slut behaves. I get people who love entertainment and hurt people's sentiments and beliefs. I love people who are in trouble and just think I am an addition to it. I love someone who never speaks to me while I have to always Is that what life always is? For example, why do I have someone who I never truly love? I do not know what they will think when I come. maybe a loser. But when I even see them once in the day, I just get to see a fresh breeze strike me to make me feel fresh. When my mood improves, I simply make up a fictitious scenario with them. Not with that slut. But with the other two, I do not want to stalk. I do not want to make them feel weird. But they make it a word. They say they are busy while I cry for a single word from my mouth. Even seeing them makes me an author of poems. Then I got my wrist itchy as the watch that the doctor tied started to produce sweat underneath.

 

Why do I always need to change? Why is it always me who changes? Suddenly I started to feel like I am around my friends and their group. But none talked to me they just talk among themselves while I see. They just make inside jokes inside themselves while I just watch with naïve and hope I would mingle with their talking. I am not pathetic but also now hopeless. And I am hopelessly romantic. Too romantic that even if she is cache also. Here people talk about how she is ten and you are. Bro into even getting one.

 

I believe in God because I lost hope in myself and just asked him for everything I needed. He says God does not exist and just throws cash on the worthless thing he finds, while I have nothing intellectual and no money to throw. Just that I felt pathetic. I started to hear silence, which was with the sounds of outside calling my name. I started to see all the rooms as if there was nothing but a void in them. My body just became like the whole body is just eyes. I just feel... why and why again. Time goes by hours just to feel hungry. I had to happen to see fruit. Nothing special with the same water. tasteless. I just thought about how people defrauded me, fooled me, betrayed me and what else. I just think I am a loser. Why are there always those cool kids who bully the loser, the ugly, or the naive? Why isn't the opposite true, such as a winner, a beauty, or someone who isn't me? When I bully, you just tease; when you beat, you just tap; and when I beat, it's domestic violence. Why is that? Slowly, my body wants to sleep, and I just lie down and feel it. Nothing came. Just to sleep, I count. People say masturbation is good for sleep, but I just stopped doing it to avoid becoming a dopamine addict. I started to feel insecure about my things. I do not know. I just felt it, and I leave.

 

Suddenly, I woke up and the room still had those lights, which poked through my shirt holes like spears. I just woke up and felt the silence was loud. It is louder than anything in the world. Suddenly, I felt like something was wrong. Suddenly, I started running. Suddenly, I ran till I got tired. just to fall down and scream. The screaming and pain are real. A mask that has been stuck to the skin is being pulled with the skin stuck to it. I cried in pain because I knew no one would answer it. I knocked on the doors with my fist, like punches. I did till I had pain in my hand to not knock again. I would say it was banging and not a knock. I slowly started to murmur that I needed to go out. I slowly started to raise my voice. I slowly shouted, "Doctor, please let me out. I then again got my power back to my hands and made a fist to bang like I needed to break. Those metal containers had me. Like the thoughts, I have in my head. My pleas and tears don’t get help. Neither this room nor the reality, it's always the same case. Then I don’t know what to do till everything fades, fades, and fades.

 

I just saw the doctor enter through an invisible door with a gem of light, which made my eyes twitchy. He came and said, ‘You can go home now.’

I just returned the wrist thing he tied and walked through the door like a north, just how chaotic chaos was yesterday.