Speaking Mute - 011 - "Colourblind"

 

The world is a beautiful place filled with colours and things that are perfect to see. While I can't see the colour red, this is a problem that people find in me. This "Speaking Mute" is an oxymoronic way of expressing my thoughts.

In grade five, I coloured one of the parts that needed to be read brown. The teacher was furious and told me that I couldn't even fill in the colour properly. Like a kid, I took the blame, apologized, and never thought about it again. But soon I realized I couldn't distinguish or name colours correctly. I used to attribute it to colour blindness and dismissed it as just another problem. However, many people didn't fully understand this deficiency and urged me to tell the truth. One fine day, my eye doctor tested me and confirmed that I am colour blind.

I used to believe that this was my mother's or her father's fault for passing on this defect to me. People around me also used to point to colours and ask me to identify them. At first, I thought it was all in good fun, but soon it became frustrating.

Soon, this "red flag, green flag" thing became popular.

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe

I attended three different schools and crossed paths with various individuals, which resulted in me having no constant friends in my life. I had a few, but they usually lived far away and we weren't able to hang out frequently. I used to become clingy to others because of this, but only in terms of wanting to spend time together and not in all matters and daily routines. Gradually, people started labelling this clinginess as a red flag. Does it mean that seeking a constant presence in life is also seen as a red flag?

In my home, winning competitions, apart from academics, was not really encouraged. All they wanted was for me to achieve an A+ in all subjects. I excelled academically in my class, but I had a free spirit that led me to explore various interests, hobbies, and genres. When I found myself needing appreciation or constructive feedback to improve, I often received nothing. And when I lost or faced rejection, my mind struggled to understand it, leading to suppressed anger and frustration. I rarely heard anyone say, "You did well, and that's enough." Perhaps that's what the person seeking constancy in life was also looking for.

Gradually, I started to feel hopeless when I expressed my desires for things like books, movies, or other unrealistic aspirations that weren't feasible in real life. People labelled this hopelessness as another red flag.

Red, blue, yellow, green, and all other colours became flags to categorize someone as crazy or something similar. However, they rarely took into account the person's perspective or the reasons behind their circumstances. Now, I anticipate that people will suggest I see a therapist and rid myself of these perceived toxic traits. But do you think these traits existed all along? Were all the different types of depression and other issues we discuss today present in the past? Nowadays, we have more exposure, leading us to talk about our experiences more openly and easily, even for minor events. However, based on the stories I've heard from my paternal grandfather and maternal grandmother, both of them faced immense hardships that far surpass what we encounter today.

My grandfather was a school headmaster who selflessly donated to and supported the poor, often neglecting his own household. Yet, some in the family accused him of being self-centred and called it narcissism. We need to understand the intentions behind my grandfather's actions.

My grandmother was sensitive and took everything to heart. She would easily get offended and cry. She faced a life-altering crisis in her mid-twenties when she was labelled toxic and unfit for her new household. She was the second-to-last daughter among twelve siblings, raised in a family without much male support. When she moved to her new family after marriage, she faced mistreatment in an unfamiliar environment. She was bullied for her emotional and reactive nature. She believed she had to endure all this pain for leaving her studies and other pursuits. She was a bright student, but her family couldn't afford to send a girl to college. Is her emotional nature truly toxic?

Both of them are considered to be on the same border but in different spectrums, and they are labelled as "toxic red flag" people. However, my paternal grandmother moulded my grandfather and ensured that our family reached the position we are in today, better off than my father was at my age. My maternal grandmother got a job, filed for divorce, and became a single mother. Now, she stands on her own feet with achievements to be proud of.

Instead of labelling everything as toxic and a red flag, this generation needs to understand that people are like stones that can be crushed. I believe that any problem can only be solved when we accept one another and communicate. In this world, life can become colourless, but we must understand that it's how a colourblind person perceives their life, and they can find happiness within it.

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
― Oscar Wilde